What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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