Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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