just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
