he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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