Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I checked into jail on foursquare
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
