Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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