Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
