You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
