I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
