How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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