Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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