im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
