On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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