He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
