I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
