My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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