If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
