I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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