Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
