it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My vagina just recognized that song.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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