Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
