i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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