I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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