I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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