I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
