i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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