I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
