If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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