its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Floor bacon is actually really good
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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