Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Randomize
