my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
