I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
