I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize