So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You need a sexual gate keeper
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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