My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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