but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
