she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Randomize
