if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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