shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Terrible idea I love it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
