Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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