I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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