Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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