I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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