Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
