Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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