She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
