every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
