the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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