He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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