i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
