Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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