so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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