I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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