Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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