Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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