between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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