If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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