I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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