Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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