dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
